That’s a super good question. I think it will help a lot of people to contemplate that and find answers about it. The answer is actually very clear and I will explain why. It’s not just what you think. There are 2 big and important things at stake and 3 smaller details. You will see certain situations in a different light.
This is my opinion and you don’t have to agree with it. I write it to brainstorm about it, to learn from you and hopefully to help you.
1. When people do something negative to you, they always do it because of their own limitations, problems, emotional pain or because they were having difficulties themselves at the time.
It is important to understand the situation. They may have had emotional problems of their own. You can take a look at that or start observing it more in the future.
The average person who does something wrong to another person, always does so out of their own frustration, difficulties and pain. They always do this at times when they have difficulties of their own. They don’t see a better solution at that moment. Maybe they haven’t taken the time to think about how they can solve something. Or they do it from their own fears, stress, anxiety, uncertainties and frustrations. They have a background, an inner world of experience and a past that influence their behaviour in the here and now.
But in many cases they do know that they have made a mistake (for example arguing, misbehaving, not listening to others, being disrespectful, being critical, cheating, lying, etc.) They don’t feel good about that either. They already feel very ashamed about it. Deep inside they already feel very guilty and bad about their mistake. Nobody wants to make mistakes. Everyone would much rather act successfully and competently and be seen as an adequate successful and relationshipable person of integrity. You can also check this with yourself. That doesn’t feel right at all to make mistakes and to hurt or deceive others. You then know that you cannot be completely honest, transparent and yourself. That doesn’t make you happy. You would much rather always act adequately, transparently and efficiently and easily get cooperation and enthusiasm from others. You would much rather be loved and applauded than make mistakes.
(Average) People who harm others, in many cases they are also angry with themselves. The dysfunctional behaviour often arises from strong feelings of inferiority and being angry at themselves for something from the past. They already reacted out of fear, uncertainty, feelings of inferiority or negative expectations. People who maliciously harm others do not expect to achieve their goals in a positive, healthy and victorious way. This means that they are already reacting from lack and from a problem. Or they react from a lack of information about a certain circumstance.
When people panic, they go blind and take everyone who gets in the way with them. People start hitting out at others when they feel threatened and lost.
I think you already understand a little bit which direction I’m going in…
THE OTHER ONE MAKES MISTAKES BECAUSE HE’S GOT PROBLEMS OF HIS OWN _ HE FEELS BAD ABOUT IT HIMSELF
The quickest way to prevent people from making mistakes is to solve their own problems and restore their sense of self-worth and success. The quickest way to act adequately again is to believe in yourself, relax and reconnect with your own wisdom. The quicker you forgive your own mistakes and understand where they come from, the quicker you will act again with confidence and justice. The quickest way to react efficiently is to trust back in yourself and other people and to trust in your success again.
In most cases, the other person who has made a mistake has already learned from his mistake. He has actually already become a better person by making the mistake and regretting it. You too, as a so-called “victim”, may have learned that you need to react more quickly to signs or something else. Maybe you have also learned something from it. So you have already become a better person because of it. Now it is mainly a matter of giving the other (and yourself) the space to make up for his possible mistakes. When you start to react revengefully you create a hostile atmosphere in which you deprive him of that chance. You are actually slowing down the growth process of both of you.
Some people don’t seem to feel guilty about their behavior, but believe me on the inside they really don’t feel proud of it. Intuitively, they know very well that they act much lower than their emotionally & socially intelligent colleagues, neighbours and leaders. It is precisely because of this that they are less likely to learn to respond adequately to others. Again, I’m talking about average people like you
If you start talking to people a bit more, you will notice that it is incredible how different the stories of 2 people from the same couple can sometimes be about the same situation. If you only hear one side of the story, you sometimes think that the other is the biggest criminal walking around, until you hear the other side of the story. Then you often fall back on how subjective people can be.
I know a lot of people are rising up about this, but still it is important to mention it, because this is an essential part of the solution and is also an important part of the answer.
I illustrate this with some examples:
I absolutely do not approve of these hurtful behaviors. When one hurts others one acts out of one’s own emotional pain. But in many cases that pain came from two sides. The perpetrator and the victim, to illustrate, often both have emotional pain from a different angle. That is why they often both react disharmoniously.
Self-insight is important:
In many cases it’s not that serious. I’ll just give some examples to illustrate. Most people have good and happy relationships.
It is a necessary part of healthy relationships and cooperation to look at your own part. Only in this way will you develop really good relationships over time. By taking revenge you actually ignore all that. You don’t learn that much yourself. You then have little self-reflection. You will make the same mistakes and encounter the same situations in the future.
Maybe the other person acted out of revenge because he felt hurt or cornered by you before. By reacting with revenge himself, there is only a revenge-chain reaction, and no one realizes that both parties actually just felt hurt and not loved enough by each other.
3. YOU CHOOSE TO BE EITHER AN ALLY OR AN ENEMY
If you take revenge, you make yourself the enemy to that other person. Something is indeed wrong: the other person has acted wrongly about something. But that doesn’t mean that the situation is unsolvable and that the other person is essentially a bad person.
But if you react to that with revenge then you are obstructing reconciliation.
People are just going to hurt you if they think you are an enemy or if they think you are hindering their success. Then people talk hostile behavior right. People are just going to hurt you when they are anxious and feel insecure. A revenge reaction amplifies this.
If you understand people and look for solutions together, they can learn to see you as an ally in some situations. People will not lie and deceive their allies and friends. On the contrary, they are much more likely to listen to an ally. They take their friends and allies into account, because they understand that they need friends to achieve their goals. If you take revenge then you become the enemy and that is out of the question. Then you create just more revenge and hostile actions.
Fights and problems often arise because people feel misunderstood, or because people are afraid of each other. Revenge is only going to aggravate and magnify all of this.
And you can still give your friends boundaries. Friends and allies does not mean that you allow people to treat you unlawfully.
4. WE STILL HAVE SO MUCH FOR SOCIETY TO LEARN
We also still have so much to learn today. I won’t tolerate criminal behavior with that. I’m talking about little human transgressions. We still have so much to learn on the subject of social prosperity, communication and cooperation. We still have so much to learn about effective conversation techniques. We’re doing super well if you look at where humanity comes from in such a short time and we can give ourselves some room to learn more. In English we have a super nice pronunciation for that: “GIVE ME SOME SLACK!” or “GIVE ME A BREAK!” It means: Give people some credit, some slack, some time, let go of the rope a little…” We’re actually doing super well in our society and we’re learning at record speed. I meet a lot of loving, cooperative and honest people who have the best intentions!
For example, the old mandatory marriage ties have been dropped. This is progress because we can now choose our relationships more freely. That’s a very valuable evolution. But this is also very new and we do not yet know how good and healthy relationships can be developed.
We learn from each other’s examples. If one person does not know, another does not know either. And we do not learn the same lessons at the same time. The other learns something you don’t know yet and vice versa. No one is actually further ahead than another. Person A may have a more stable and academically intelligent life. But person B has much more empathy, life experience and emotional intelligence because his life is very chaotic. Person X may not take good care of nature. But person Y thinks much more negatively about other people than person X.
Most likely, we will always learn as humans.
We are going to hurt others if we ourselves are not in harmony. Everyone makes mistakes. We all have a bad day once in a while. Part of successful living is realizing that making mistakes is part of life and that we all have a bad time once in a while.
It is also important that we learn to deal with the mistakes of others, and the 2 previous aspects help you with this: why does the other behave this way, and what is my own input? It is also normal for others to make mistakes from time to time, just like we do. How do you want people to deal with your mistakes? Treat others the way you want to be treated yourself.
It is also important to learn to put things into perspective. At the moment we do not live in a society where people always communicate with each other in a very friendly way. We do not yet live in a society where people always understand the efforts and good intentions of others. There is sometimes competition when it is not necessary. We tend to accuse each other quickly and think we know better. We don’t really listen to each other and therefore learn little from each other. Many people have good intentions, but don’t always know how to ensure their success without failing others. So it is also important that we can see things from a distance, and have a better understanding of our society.
It is important that we learn to put some things into perspective, when they are not so serious and there was a good intention behind them. It also is important to learn to laugh and to look at our mistakes more light-heartedly. Overly punitive and aggressive reactions make the situations more tense than they are and make things worse. Learning to put things into perspective is very important in our society. That means not tolerating abusive behaviour.
If we understand that society still has a lot to learn and that people react hurtfully on the basis of their own emotional pain and difficulties, then we do not always have to take the behaviour of others so personally. We can still give boundaries, but we don’t have to care so much about it emotionally. We can leave it more with the others.
Brooks Gibbs’ video is a fantastic illustration of this. It’s in English, though. Actually, he also gives a very short lesson in emotional intelligence. When you’re bullied, you make the situation worse by being angry and thinking that others shouldn’t behave that way. He has several more videos about this. He is a fantastic contemporary teacher and I would recommend everyone to study his message carefully.
5. THE COST YOU ENERGY AND MEASURES YOU UNIQUE – it weakens you.
The classic explanation why forgiveness is better than revenge is because it takes your energy to maintain revenge, guilt, resentment and accusing thoughts and feelings. You’re the one who’s unhappy about that. The negative thoughts and feelings are in your head and body, not the others. The other one doesn’t suffer from them theoretically.
If you try to solve the unwanted situation from there, you will also be much weaker physically and mentally.
It costs you your joie de vivre and perhaps also that of the loved ones around you to think and feel negative about the other person. It also costs you physical energy and vitality in the long run if you keep this up for a long time. That is true. That is the traditional explanation why forgiveness is better than accusation. But here it’s more about feeling.
FORGIVENESS AND ASSERTIVENESS GO HAND IN HAND
If you react from insight about the other and from self-insight, you can still draw your limits very powerfully and lovingly. You certainly don’t have to let yourself be abused! It is recommended to remove yourself from situations where abuse is going on.
Forgiveness and powerful action can go together very well. You may ask for a refund if something has been taken unjustly from you. The conventional approaches to solving situations are still useful and valuable. You can
If this works out, people may be eternally grateful. In some situations, you’ll make friends for life.
PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF SPECIAL VICTORIOUS RELATIONSHIPS
People are truly capable of extremely powerful successful prosperous fulfilling and victorious relationships. Humans are really very special beings. In the course of history we only now have room to learn more about this and to explore this part of ourselves on a large scale. I’ve come across so many Angels and wonderful interactions with humans, and we’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg. We have the potential to build incredibly good relationships, but it’s important to better understand both ourselves and others and better understand how good relationships flourish. That knowledge exists, only often we still need to find our way to that knowledge.
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